the honeymoon is over

from inside the square room with its blood pressure cuff, plastic speculums, models of knee and shoulder joints, and random toys to entertain the kids, i listened as it poured, descending in buckets, interrupted only by the boom of the thunder outside.  how glad was i to be warm inside!  rain here is intense, like the faucet just opens and we are showered.  Went to swim practice yesterday in such a deluge, but did not seem to matter there.  made the thought of riding bike to work today not too appealing however.  as i sat there with the drumroll of the rain on the roof, checking labs and xray reports, it struck me that the honeymoon is now over. the thrill and excitement of being here finally after a decade of dreaming has passed.  we are living that dream.  kids are plugged in and happy, work is good, i've figured out the computer system and feeling more comfortable with the meds, and yet there seems to be a bit of a cloud hanging over my head.  Almost like I am in some Charles Schultz cartoon strip, Snoopy on one side dancing on his house, Lucy holding a football waiting to be kicked, and I am the one with the cloud raining over just my head.  fortunately in this image there is no lightning!

the cloud appeared soon after AW left on Sunday.  such a surprise to have him visit at this time, for my bday and all.  certainly one of the kindest gestures I have had in my direction in years!  showing him life here turned all this into more of a reality, not the Fantasyland it seemed we were playing like when talking to home or writing about it in this blog.  so nice to have another adult voice around to ponder ideas, make jokes as he does so well, walk the beach and explore other parts of the country.   his departure made room for the cloud settle in and make me see that it is now my turn to get out and connect.  need to meet someone or a few who I can engage/play with to keep up my sanity.

there is only so much one can prepare for when making a journey of this sort, and most of mine consisted of checking things off of the multipage lists-passports, visas, toothbrushes, vitamins...no where was "prepare for when the dust settles and you feel alone, removed from your people and connections".  I recall in my other lives when travel brought on such feelings I could bounce down to the cafe or connect with other random travelers in the hostels, but this time there are the kids to consider first, secure their well being and honestly by then fatigue sets in and I'm ready for bed!  So it goes and such it this journey at this time in life.  And for all of these darker moments (and really they are not as dark as I may portray them-maybe enhancing for dramatic effect!)  I am also intrigued and excited as I know this is why we are here.  These small internal struggles and pushes are what we will remember most, and in the end will be the reward for all the hard work.  At least that is the hope!  And really I keep telling myself, how damn lucky am I!!!  The list of gratitudes too numerous to put down here.

Keep hoping the surf will be good so I can get back out in the water-recently too small and now with this storm too choppy and crazy.  Patience I am told once again.  Ha!  Wonder why that lesson keeps coming back around.

Tonight I will join a South African colleague and his wife for drinks after work.  He is a kind gregarious man who loves to tell a good story and considers himself more feminine in his extrovert approach than most Kiwi men who he tells me like to stand around with arms crossed over their chests and nod to each other.  Unless of course there is alcohol involved and then the defenses fall.
My experience of late goes something like this.  I meet a new person (Kiwi), they ask me where I am from (America.) and next "how long are you here?"   As soon as I respond with "a year", a switch flips and there is an obvious deflection of energy from me to someone else.  Seems hard to want to put any energy into me if I will be gone soon enough.  I get it really, so now I tell them my job contract is for a year and then we will see....being more open ended seems to keep a door open, at least a bit.  Maybe we will share a cup of tea of glass of wine or walk around the Mount.

Sun is supposed to return tomorrow and with it the big fluffy clouds, the pastel colors in the sky, and the hope of my own personal cloud passing for now.  But really what I need most now is that umbrella I left sitting by our front door and the patience to see this storm pass on in its own time.